Tires Trying Tried Tired

How does one go about buying tires for a car? If left to my own devices, I decide based on the design of the tread pattern. 

I like the diagonal repetition of lines but I also like some kind of triangle in there. Oh, like argyle. Are there argyle tires? I would like that. I like the lines that have a heavy weight and are not super fine. Some pattern designs are so boring. Some look too shallow. I don't like the shade of black on some tires, but that could be the web site photography... I wonder if the tire people will think I'm crazy? 

I don't know anything about tires 🙃 (upside down smiley face)